The Shadow People

I recently had a bad depressive episode with psychosis. I hadn’t seen the shadow people since March. Unfortunately, I had to go for another inpatient stay, and I had to go for an unscheduled ECT treatment on top of my medication changes. I’m currently in the middle of an acute rescue series of ECT, with one more scheduled treatment.

The shadow people were watching me for several nights, and they wouldn’t relent. Finally, I got it into my head that if I cut myself, they would go away. It didn’t work. The cuts are healed, and after more than a couple weeks, they’re light enough that I feel comfortable wearing short sleeves in public again. (Although, the temperature is beginning to cool off here in South Carolina, so I’m wearing a cardigan, anyway.)

For a week straight, I wanted to die. My husband hid all my pills but one dose at a time. I also had him hide sharp objects. The intrusive thoughts of hurting myself were nonstop. I barely focused on work when at the office. This is the reality of my life. Finally, two Thursdays ago, I planned on stopping by the local pharmacy on my way home from work and picking up a bottle of acetaminophen to overdose on. I texted my husband from work to tell him, and he took me to the local inpatient psychiatric hospital to check myself in.

I was there for a week, which happens to be one of my shorter inpatient stays. There have been times when I’ve been inpatient for two weeks at a time, so I consider myself lucky this time. My inpatient psychiatrist recommended an acute rescue series of ECT, as I respond well to the treatments. They help tremendously. It’s hard to say if it is the increased dosage of medication or if it’s the ECT that’s helping more. Either way, I’m glad to be feeling back to myself (without hallucinations).

Right now, I’m not allowed to drive during the acute series and for two weeks after. It’s a pain having to get my husband to drive me everywhere when I need to go anywhere. But it’s a small price to pay for feeling better. I would never wish my hallucinations on anyone.